Paris Hilton came out with her very own cooking show last week, and it very well may be the best/worst thing we’ve ever seen.
‘Cooking with Paris’ is 16 minutes of confused, jaw-dropping, perfection, in which Paris Hilton shows us how to make a ‘lasagne‘ in the most outrageous way possible. We’re not entirely sure if Paris intended to make a parody cooking show, or if she’s genuinely interested in becoming the next Nigella — either way we were thoroughly entertained!
The entire video was a train-wreck from start to finish, right from the moment Paris struts into the kitchen holding a tiny dog wearing a Chanel maid’s costume, who she introduces as Diamond Baby, exclaiming that “as you all know — well, maybe not all of you know — people who do know know that I’m an amazing cook.” A bold opening statement considering how the tutorial proceeds.
Unsurprisingly, Paris struggles at the first hurdle — having to boil pasta. Throughout the video Paris sighs and complains about the fact that her ingredients didn’t come prepared the way she wanted them; her lasagne sheets were uncooked, her mozzarella wasn’t grated and her ricotta came in two different brands — imagine! The part she possibly struggled with the most though, would have to be knowing what basic kitchen utensils are and how to use them. At one point she grabbed three fish-slices and started mixing her ground beef with all three at the same time. She didn’t know what a spatula was, and apparently spoons and cheese graters are “brutal”.
When it came to seasoning her beef, she decided to wave a salt shaker vigorously over the pan with absolutely no abandon. After realising that perhaps she added a bit too much salt (and got it all over her stove-top) she wet a paper towel with a dab of bottled water and dabbed at the meat to lessen the added sodium. After this she adds pepper, twisting the pepper grinder 11 times because, “I love 11:11, because it’s good luck”. Then she proceeds to use both a potato masher and a fish-slice to ‘grind’ the meat. After this she looks for more spices to add, and pulls out some Himalayan pink salt, you know, because her dish obviously needed it.
The only ingredients in her meat sauce are ground beef, shop-bought jars of tomato sauce, pepper and, of course, salt. If this sounds bland then it’s because it is — when it came to assembling the lasagne, Paris realises that she forgot to add the chopped onions and garlic. She side-steps this problem by stating that she “feels like (her) lasagne should not have onions and garlic” — smooth.
If you’re trying Paris’ recipe at home make sure not to break the pasta because it “will totally ruin the lasagne vibe”. It’s also nice to remember to give yourself a little encouragement when things seem tough — as Paris says, “Lasagne is like, very hard to make. Well actually, I don’t think it is, but people think it is, but it’s actually really fun and really easy. But I guess it is a lot of steps compared to making toast or something.”
Quite possibly the most baffling part of all is the fact that Paris shot the whole video wearing these ridiculous fingerless gloves, which she refers to as her “chef’s gloves” — seriously, we couldn’t make this stuff up if we tried.
This video left us with a whole lot more questions than answers! What is ‘sliving’? What are in your sewers? What happened to Diamond Baby?! She disappeared at the start of the video after Paris turned the oven on, never to be seen again — coincidence? If you were as enamoured by this culinary entertainment masterpiece as we were, then you’ll be pleased to hear that this is only the beginning! Paris promises to be back again with another cooking show, and we absolutely can’t wait to see what she whips up next.